외과일기 (5) Does love-hate just mean love?

Today was a pretty good day. I stayed with an attending who actually teaches and is not mean about it. I got to put my first suture on a real person (yipeeeee!), even though it was just two stitches. 

Then, after I got home, I got all stressed out about the presentation that I have to give on Friday on breast cancer. Learning about the topic has been a blast; it's a fascinating topic. The part that I am worried about is the attendings who are known for their vicious inquisition during these conferences. I've already been burnt by those who don't seem as interested in teaching as intimidating. The hardest part about this job is not learning about surgery (although that's also really hard) but navigating the politics and the culture and the people. There are surgeons whom I can only admire -- smart, confident, and reliable people who love their job -- and others who make me wonder if they have been damaged by the process of becoming one -- bitchy, obsessive, mean, and insensitive.

How my day turns out really depends on whom I work with that day. Walking out of a surgery in which I learned a lot and got to do things is the best feeling in the world. Walking out of a surgery in which I felt humiliated -- for not knowing an answer to a question, for taking too much time putting on the gloves -- is the worst feeling in the world.

I always felt that the speed-dating analogy was appropriate for the third year. No wonder this feels like dating a jerk -- when he's nice to you, it means the world to you, but he can hurt your feeling like nobody else and you just wish you could break up with him. How do people sustain relationships like that? 

Does love-hate just mean love?

Or just hate?